i feel like crying. it's so stupid, but i feel weepy and sad and happy and worried and in-love and frightened and my heart is craving my lover in a way that sends electricity up and down my arms into my legs. i keep getting cold, not like a chill but more like a welling up of cold inside me - it gurgles up and heaves through me, then fades.
i'm having heart surgery on friday. and the anticipation is doing strange things to my mind and my body. i didn't sleep last night and the night before i woke up gasping for breath. as i gasped for breath K stroked my head and told me how much he loves me. all i've wanted to do for days is make love to him.
i'm going to be ok - it's actually not that big of a deal. and i haven't been afraid until the other day when i realized that i needed to do a living will. something hit me that made me know that i wanted to be alive. it's not that i haven't wanted to be alive before, but it's a different sort of longing for life that i've never experienced. and it mostly manifests itself when i think about K. i want to hold him and press my face into his chest and never go anywhere.
3 comments:
I want you around too, sister! You aren't going anywhere--we've got urban exploring to do!
i know - reading this today seems so melodramatic. i'll be fine. i think having to quit the heart meds is just making me overly emotional. soon it will all be over!
wow! i don't think that's being melodramatic...you were in the moment...and that's what's beautiful.
plus, i think, and i know you know, that you're going to be fine.
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